Why I Hate My Life

It was a raindrop sonata that played across my mind, soul and body. As I walked through the rain I could only feel the tiny ministrations which played out; the tiniest of piano notes playing it's symphony with a crescendo of lightning and thunder. One look had set me on this path of seeming self-destruction and yet all I could do during this time was simply walk. Walk to a destination I was unsure I would reach, walk to a destination unsure I could meet.

Have you ever felt that moment? That moment of pure and ludicrous emotion? An emotion so overpowering that at that moment there is nothing more you wanted in that instance of a time but to disappear in a flash. That was the extent of what I had to cope with. The audacity of my emotions was astounding, but then again, who says one controls the heart?

And so on this numbing walk through the frigid rain, it was then that I had an epiphany of sorts. Interesting note though, that despite the ubiquitous nature of epiphanies, it is often only the most emotional ones that one goes through that would often has the most impact. This one struck my emotions harder than a car speeding at 80km/h would. It was with that one look that had set my mind straight of the weeks of inadequacy and confusion. It was with that one look that had accomplished so much that my rationale could not, one look that had achieved what common sense had attempted to pertain within me.

Langston Hughes once wrote
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken winged bird
That cannot fly.

I unfortunately had held on to dreams of extreme disillusion. The veracity of the situation had opened my eyes to the vehemency of my actions and the foolishness of my will. I could have had all the determination in the world, but after what I have done, I had to face it. She would never come to liking me, and even if she did it would be for all the completely wrong reasons. And I guess it's the hard way of realizing it, but at least the constant patter of the rain had brought me the ability to elude this ergo lessening any pain that I might feel.

But the most fucked up part?
I barely know her.